This last year (and a half) has been an eye-opening shit show, to say the least.
I was planning out a post last March and was trying to finish it when my daughter got sick at school. I had to pick her up early on Wednesday and worked from home with her Thursday. That Thursday afternoon, I got a call from my boss about them closing the office for at least a week or two because of a new virus going around. Luckily, I had all of my work stuff with me already, so I didn’t need to go back to the office for anything.
When I think back to my phone call with my boss, I remember being excited that I didn’t have to go into the office for at least a week, at most two weeks. Little did I know what 2020 had in store.
My daughter’s daycare shut down and my husband’s schedule changed, and I was now working from home full time. Our house was a shit show. The first two weeks were rough. My daughter’s routine was thrown off because she wasn’t going to daycare throughout the week. She went from having a structured schedule to no schedule. My husband was going into work every other day, so his routine was a little off. I went from having a routine, to being a full time mom and a full time employee at the same time. You sometimes don’t realize how important having a schedule/routine is until you don’t.
All three of us were suddenly in the unknown. Not sure what was really happening and what the future held. There were arguments and lots of frustration, which were amplified by being confined at home. During this time, the outside world seemed to be in mayhem. There was barely any meat, cheese, pasta, or baking essentials and absolutely no toilet paper. My husband would facetime me and show me how everything was empty. The only time I remember seeing shelves like that was in the south when we would have to prep for a hurricane.
After we realized our new non-scheduled schedule wasn’t working, we knew we had to make a change. Our daughter needed structure. We vaguely remembered most of the stuff she did at school, so we tried to incorporate that into our routine. There was instantly a dramatic change in our house that I wish we thought of sooner. A small weight was lifted off our family.
With the stay-at-home orders, I noticed lots of people were out walking their dogs more and working out more. When I would work-out before, I maybe passed two people. During quarantine, I would pass at least five or six people every time. It was nice to know that we weren’t the only ones going a little stir crazy.
Looking back on quarantine, I am grateful for the time my family was allowed to pause and spend together. I learned so many things about my daughter that I may not have had the opportunity to before. I learned that it is very easy to memorize a children’s book and recite it at the drop of a hat (I may or may not have hidden a couple of them). From all the time we spent on our porch, we were able to chat with and meet some of our neighbors.
The first time things started to open up, my daughters daycare opened and my husbands schedule went back to semi-normal. I admit that I was sad that they were going back. Once we found our groove, I enjoyed the time that we got to spend together as a family. It was around the same time the previous year that I was questioning whether I should go back to work. I was having major mom guilt about not being a stay at home mom and spending time with my daughter. Without covid, we would have never got to spend that kind of quality time together.
Around Mother’s day, I started thinking of a new blog post about how we kept our daughter entertained/sane during quarantine. Some of the things we did as a family and how we survived being around each other 24/7. I was gathering my thoughts and starting a rough draft when the world shifted, again.
The news of George Floyd being murdered came out.
Suddenly a post about quarantine life was insignificant. The video of his murder was everywhere. I couldn’t watch it. To this day, I haven’t and will never watch it in its entirety. I can’t. It is all a blur of how close, I learned about Ahmaud Arbery and Breonna Taylor’s murders. Learning of those three hit different than murders we’ve heard about in the past (not that previous murders weren’t upsetting). Breonna was sleeping in her home when she was killed. That’s something I do every night. Ahmaud was out for a run when he was killed. That was something I did all the time, especially during quarantine. George called out for his mom that had already passed away. As a mom, that struck a nerve.
I was numb. I could feel myself slipping into depression. So many thoughts and emotions go through your head. My anxiety was heightened every time I was out. I realized a couple weeks later that I wasn’t eating very much. I was more hyper-aware of my surroundings.
The protests immediately started after George’s murder. Seeing the protests made me feel proud. More and more protests were popping up not only around the US, but around the world. It wasn’t just us. There were so many people from all walks of life and different races that were standing with us. Not only were people out in the streets protesting, but were taking to social media as well.
I think this time was very eye-opening for a lot of people. It revealed so much about families, relationships and friendships. There wasn’t anywhere people could hide. Fortunately, it revealed a lot for me that I may have ignored in the past or didn’t see. It opened my eyes to those around me. Not only did I look at my relationships with friends and family, I had to look at my daughter. There was no way, that I could look her in the eye and not speak up. This is going to affect her in the future, and when she asks me about it one day, I’m going to be able to tell her that I used my platform, no matter how small, for good.
Keep in mind, this is still during a pandemic.
July 2020 was when my brother and his fiancée were supposed to be getting married. Of course, Covid threatened that. Like many other couples, they were in constant communication with their venue/vendors about whether they would have to postpone or not. There was talk about possibly having to postpone theirs, but luckily they were able to keep their date. With the pandemic going on, it was different than it would have been, but I’m so glad that they were able to have it. After the craziness of the first half of 2020, it was nice to see some family and celebrate a joyous occasion.
A couple of months later, was my husband and I’s 5 year anniversary. Pre-covid, we talked about taking a trip to celebrate and were brainstorming ideas. However, with covid, it wasn’t something we were able to do. I was slightly bummed, but a little relieved as well. I was excited to potentially have husband and wife 1-on-1 time, but was apprehensive about being away from our daughter. It would’ve been my first time without her and I didn’t feel ready for that. We celebrated our anniversary at home and talked about what we would do in the coming years when it was safe.
A couple of weeks later, we started packing up our apartment to get ready to move. A week before our move, I took a pregnancy test and it was negative. I was a little bummed because I had a dream that I was pregnant (I’ll have to do another post about how crazy my dreams are). A few days went by and I decided to take my last test expecting to be disappointed. My husband wasn’t home yet, so it was just my daughter and I. As the test loaded, I turned it upside down. I was preparing for it to say “NO-“ and then go about my day. When the alarm went off, I didn’t even rush to go check it. About 5 minutes later, I decided to go look already preparing myself that it didn’t happen. To my surprise, it said “YES+”! I was in shock.
I don’t think my daughter realized why we were all of a sudden screaming and jumping up and down. Mom may have been saying a few bad words under my breath. Not in a bad way. I was in shock that it actually was positive. I had to quickly hide my test so that my husband didn’t see it when he got home. We had to go grocery shopping and I had to figure out a cute way to tell him. I couldn’t decide on my favorites from Pinterest, so we ended up telling him later that day. A couple of days later, we moved our stuff from one apartment to another. Although, I was early, I overestimated what all my body could handle. Luckily, my husband was there to remind me to take breaks, drink water, and slow down.
2020 seemed to be ending better than it started and many were looking forward to the new year.
I was thinking of another blog post and even started another rough draft. A lot of people were probably wondering, “what the fuck was that” about 2020, until January 6th rolled around. I’m glad that I didn’t get a chance to complete and upload that post because I would’ve spoke too soon.
The news of the Insurrection at the Capitol came out and I was so angry. All summer long, there were protests about police brutality, that were met with pepper spray, riot gear, rubber bullets, and many many arrests. The Insurrection was a different story. There were some hidden heroes that day, but there was a massive difference in the way things were handled. People made it into the Capitol building and into offices they should not have any access to. They made it to the chambers where Congress would have been meeting. They stole many items from the Capitol building and were taking pictures in unauthorized areas. The fact that they made it into the building in the first place was frustrating. A very big and loud difference from the protests that happened over the summer. The response of the protests and the response of the Insurrection, were black and white.
The entire day, made me mad. How members of congress responded to the Insurrection made me mad. How the current (at the time of the Insurrection) leaders reacted made me mad. How people who had a problem with the summer protests but were quiet about the Insurrection made me mad.
The following weeks were of mixed emotions. Partially to do with me creating a human. Inauguration Day, brought a small sense of relief for the first time in 4 years.
Fast forward to the Derek Chauvin trial. I did not watch it live, but did see clips online. I am relieved that the people who were there witnessing, were able to play a key role in the trial. I was anxious about Derek Chauvin’s sentencing and the start of the trial for the other three officers involved. Chauvin being found guilty on all counts was a small win.
The hard-work of all essential workers and the heartbreak of losing so many people is not lost on me. This last year has really changed me. I love that I was able to have the time to spend and (mostly) enjoy with my little family. My voice is more amplified than it was before. My eyes are more open to people and situations around me.
I remember seeing a video of George Floyd’s daughter saying, “My daddy changed the world.” He definitely did change the world and hopefully it was for the better.