This past December, I welcomed my daughter into the world.

Throughout my entire pregnancy, I experienced a rollercoaster of emotions. This was my first pregnancy after loss (PAL). My original due date was the day before Thanksgiving, November 21st. Despite hearing and reading that your first child is usually late, I secretly hoped that she would come a little early or on time. I packed my bag about a week before my expected due date, with the exception of the last few items we would have to grab before leaving. The Sunday before my due date, I stood up and felt a small gush of fluid. Could this be it? Would contractions be following soon? Could my daughter be coming in the next few days? During our hospital tour, the nurse said that if our water broke, that we needed to be at the hospital 1-2 hours after. Naturally, my husband and I wondered if we should head to the hospital? It didn’t seem like I lost a lot of fluid, but how would I know.

Being a first time mom, I called the Labor & Delivery (L&D) department to see what we should do. The nurse on the other side of the phone, asked if I had started having contractions. Again, I asked myself, how would I know what contractions felt like? I never had one before. You can only read about them, but until you feel it first hand, there is no way of knowing. We were instructed to wait to come in until I was having contractions. With some anxiety, we continued watching tv. I didn’t have any contractions that day.

The day before my due date (November 20th), I had a doctor’s appointment. I was going to ask for a membrane sweep in hopes that it would kickstart my labor. (A membrane sweep is when the doctor or midwife inserts their finger inside the opening of your cervix and gently move their finger around. This should separate the membranes of the amniotic sac surrounding the baby from the cervix). When the midwife checked me, We were hoping to hear that I was even a little dilated. I was barely at a one. Since it was my last appointment, I had to set my induction date in case she didn’t come on her own in the next week. After hearing other mom’s stories about getting induced, this was the last thing that I wanted to do.

As my husband and I left that appointment, we were both disappointed. We were hoping to at least be able to do the membrane sweep. As we walked to the car, I was convinced that I was going to be pregnant forever. Of course I knew that wasn’t possible. I had been constantly bouncing on an exercise ball, drinking Raspberry Leaf Tea, going for many walks, eating some spicy foods, and having sex. I was discouraged that nothing was helping start my labor. My due date came and went. Thanksgiving came and went. Each night, I would go to sleep in hopes I would be woken up with contractions. I was even having dreams that I was in labor, only to be disappointed when I woke up.

A week past my due date, I had to accept the fact that I was going to have to get induced. I was nervous, but the thought of getting to meet our tiny human helped ease some anxiety. When I woke up on November 30^th, I knew today was the day my life would change forever. That morning and afternoon, I made sure that the house was in order and everything was packed. My scheduled time to show up for induction was 5 pm. My husband and I left around 4 due to it being peak traffic time. On our way to the hospital, we decided to take a quicker route and started following the directions. As it said we were getting closer, I noticed that my husband had put in the directions to a gun shop close to our apartment. We both laughed. Without even trying, my husband helped relieve some of our anxiety. As we arrived on base, there was not enough time to go by Subway to grab something small beforehand. I had some peanut butter crackers in my backpack and decided to attempt to eat those. I gripped my husband’s hand tighter and tighter as we got closer to the L&D wing. I knew that the next time I would be in this long hallway would be to go home with our little girl.

By the time we got checked in to our room and my IV was started, it was about 6:30 pm. After the shift change, the midwife, nurse and corpsman assigned to me entered the room. They explained the induction process, and we got started. They checked my cervix and I was 1.5 cm dilated. It was 7 pm. The contractions gradually started and I was able to breathe through them. I sent my husband to go get food for himself since we didn’t have time beforehand. He should at least fuel up because I wasn’t sure how long my labor would last. He was gone for about 45 minutes. About an hour and a half after everything got started, the nurse came back and checked me again, I was at 4 cm. That’s when we decided to go ahead and do the epidural before it was too late. As we were getting ready, I gripped my husband’s hand tighter and he encouraged me to breathe. I think I was psyching myself out because after I got it, it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. It didn’t take long to get me all setup and then the medicine slowly started to kick in. I was glad to get some relief, and attempt to close my eyes.

As I was just lying there, my nurse walked in. My blood pressure was dipping, so I had to use the oxygen mask. Soon after she left, she walked in again. This time she was followed by our corpsman, the midwife, and the head charge nurse. No one said anything as to why everyone rushed in at once. They just had me turning over on each side to see if it would help whatever was going on. After everything was okay, our nurse informed me that our daughters heartrate was dropping and she was in distress. Lying on my left side helped her go back to normal levels, so I had to stay there. Since I was turned on my side, all of the medicine from my epidural settled on my left side. I had the honor of feeling all the contractions on my right side. I made sure to do my breathing and try to focus on the goal. My contractions were coming back to back and lasting 2-3 minutes. At 12:54 am, the nurse came in to see how I was holding up and check to see where we were at. I was doing as best as I could and was at 5cm.

“If you start to feel any pressure, let us know. That could mean that it is time to push.”

I gave a weak nod and continued my breathing. “Babe, I need you” I said to my husband as soon as our nurse left the room. He came to hold my hand and give me words of encouragement. I started shaking because the pain was so intense. I started doubting myself and thinking that I couldn’t do it. I started tearing up because of the pain. I just wanted some kind of relief. I started feeling pressure and told my husband to go grab the nurse. She came right in and checked me; I was fully dilated. I had gone from 5 to 10 cm in twenty minutes. It was time to push. Thankfully I got to lie on my back and the medicine from the epidural was able to even back out. I pushed for roughly 12 minutes when our little girl was born. She didn’t start crying right away which made us nervous. We later found out that the cord was wrapped around her neck twice. Which explains why she was in distress before. She eventually let out little bursts of a cry and our hearts melted.

As they laid her on my chest, I couldn’t help but cry. I couldn’t believe that I just gave birth to my first baby. I couldn’t believe that I was able to breathe my way through contractions, an epidural, and birth. I couldn’t believe our perfect tiny human was here. She had 10 beautiful little fingers and toes and a full head of hair.

December 1^st at 1:32 am our daughter was born at 6 lbs. 7.9 ounces, 20 inches long.

When you first have your child, you don’t really think about when you have to return to work. Your entire world has changed, and you have this new tiny human that has completely stolen your heart. I didn’t think about having to return to work until about a month before I was scheduled to go back. At first, I didn’t dread it as much since I still had time to get in all my snuggles. It didn’t hit me until about a week and a half before. The days seemed to be going by quicker and it seemed like my daughter was starting to learn new things. Since my time at home was coming to an end, I would not put her down as much. I let her sleep on my chest and held her as much as possible. I wanted to get in as many cuddles and kisses as I could. Of course, my arms were a little sore from holding her, but that didn’t matter.

The Tuesday before I returned to work, it really hit me that my leave was coming to an end. I was not ready to hand my daughter over to someone while I was at work. The thought of not being able to spend the whole day with her and talking to her was upsetting. When I would think about going back to work, I would start crying. For the first time in my adult life, I have found the thing that sets my soul on fire, being a mom.

The morning of Valentine’s Day, I woke up very upset. Today was the day, I had to return to work. With my husband being away at training, I was not able to talk to him. He usually knows exactly what to say to make me feel a little better. I woke up early but stayed in the bed. My daughter was sleeping so peacefully on my chest. Every time I would move, her little hands would grip my sides a little tighter. I got up at the last possible minute and took my time to get ready. I double checked our bags before going to pull the car around. When I came back inside, she was fussing in her rocker. I picked her up and held her close against my chest. The pouring down rain perfectly matched my emotion. I immediately started sobbing. How could I muster up the strength to leave my little girl at daycare? I didn’t want to leave. I wanted to walk right back in the bedroom, throw on my PJs and cuddle with her in bed. After about ten minutes of holding her and sobbing, I strapped her in the car seat and walked out the door. When I got to our friend’s house (the person who was watching her), I went into autopilot. I took her inside and let her know when she last ate and was changed. My daughter was asleep in her car seat, so I didn’t want to linger and risk waking her up.

As I pulled out of their driveway, the tears started flowing. I’ve thought about this moment for weeks, and now it was here.

I am not sure when the tears stopped, but they eventually did. As I pulled into the parking garage of my job, I was ready to leave. I knew that it would be an extremely hard day and I had to try to stay strong. My first day back was alright. It was nice and felt good that so many people were excited to see me. It was a pretty easy day, just catching up on emails. Although it was an easy day, I felt like I was in the wrong place. It was nice to be making money, but I felt like I didn’t belong. All I could think about was being back with my daughter. I constantly was wondering what she was doing. If she was babbling, crying, sleeping or excited to play with her toy. For the first time, I knew what I was passionate about and I wasn’t doing that. Was it a mistake to return to work? Should I seriously consider being a stay-at-home mom? Could it just be first day nerves?

Luckily my job allows me to work from home one day a week. On those mornings, I wake up feeling excited. I get to spend the entire day with my daughter and cuddle her when I can. I thought that maybe as time went on, I would feel a little better about going back to work. So far that has not been the case. I am hoping that it’ll get a little easier as we get into more of a routine. It has been a little over a month that I have been back at work. Although, I haven’t cried since the morning of my first day, I still hate dropping my daughter off and changing out of my PJs.